The nearest grocery store from my home is a 25-minute walk away. That
small local store carried a sale on eggs at one dollar for ten. I
walked there with my partner to get them. Since my town is so small and
rural, there are usually almost no pedestrians on the streets. Except
that cars are passing by sparsely, I hardly see anybody. But on our way
back home from the grocery store, I saw a woman standing by a field and
watching wild flowers. It was rare to see someone on the street. As I
was getting closer, I perceived her looking at me with her face filled
with a big smile that was totally familiar to me. I knew her.
She
used to be a resident in the apartment building where I live. We often
came across and shared some time together at the communal spa in the
building. She is much older than I am, but we somehow got along well and
chatted heartily every time we saw each other at the spa. About six
years ago, she moved out of the apartment to the different one in the
same town. I unexpectedly felt so sad because I had regarded her as if
part of my family unconsciously since we met and talked almost everyday.
However, when I saw her for the last time and she tentatively hinted
her suggestion to exchange contact information and invite me to her new
place, I just chickened out and dodged a reply. I wavered tremendously
but didn’t have courage to step into a new friendship. We parted without
even asking each other’s names. The spa had become quiet ever since.
Occasionally from nowhere, a thought about how she has been doing came
up to my mind while I was taking a bath with no one to chat. I regretted
my decision not to be friends with her. I missed her more than I had
thought.
And I saw her again after those years by this incredible
coincidence. I jumped for joy to have bumped into her like this. Her big
smile and loud laughter hadn’t changed a bit and she told me how she
had been doing. After we chatted for a while, I sensed the time to say
good-bye again was approaching. And I was swallowed by one single
thought: Should we exchange contact information this time? I ran through
a scenario in my head. If I asked her info here, she would expect me to
get in touch later. Then if I got in touch with her, she would invite
me to her place. Then if I went to see her, she would expect me to
invite her back in my place next time. Then if we found little left to
talk about, we would be distant gradually. Then if it broke off, I would
regret my contact exchange of today retrospectively. While I was trying
to see the future, she also tried to judge my feelings and tentatively
brought up a plan to see each other again, like deja vu. The time to
decide had come.
I had missed her. I had wanted to be friends with her. I made a
wrong decision last time and this could be the second chance falling
from the sky. On the other hand, I had too many bitter experiences about
friendship and wanted to add no more. I felt harsh loneliness every
time I lost friendship. The closer my friend and I were, the harder it
was to be estranged. I tend to have high hopes and expect too much for
someone I make friends with, that usually leads to painful
disappointment when she or he doesn’t meet my expectation. I had had
many friends and lost them. For me, getting along well isn’t enough to
build friendship. I need to respect someone as a friend. People change.
Once I can’t respect my friend any longer, my friendship is over. I also
need to be accepted as who I am. That’s why most of my friends left me
when I decided to become a musician. I wonder how I could ever start a
new friendship as long as I know how I would feel when it ends.
Disappointment would be huge this time all the more because I like her. I
couldn’t bear the loneliness it would bring.
Since I was a child, I
have struggled to escape from loneliness. I had searched for someone to
get along, thought I found one, and realized I didn’t. Repeating the
cycle had accumulated loneliness. I reached the point to afford no more
loneliness long ago. But in the course of my life, I’ve got the
solution. I think loneliness may be overestimated and it’s not so bad if
you see it from a different perspective. Sometimes loneliness is
freedom. Sometimes it’s self-esteem. It works for me to stop looking for
the way not to be lonely, but accept to be lonely instead. To fend off
loneliness, be lonely already.
I didn’t ask her contact information
and neither did she mine after all. We said our good-byes without giving
names again. We waved and resumed our ways in opposite directions.
Immediately the blame on her crossed my mind that she should have
pressed on our contact exchange. If she had cornered me and I had had no
choice, I could have told. Why didn’t she simply ask me so that I could
answer? No, I reconsidered, it was better as it went. I felt her
kindness more than ever not to ask me and walked on with holding a lot
of fresh eggs.
