When I did online shopping the other day, I found out that my credit card had been cancelled.
It
was what I feared most in this world and had dreaded for my entire
adult life. Now, it has happened. The credit card was to use money that
my grandfather had left for me, which was the biggest resource of my
income. It was stopped by my parents.
Being entitled to inherit the
family’s money was the root cause why my mother had hated me since I was
born. My parents continued to harass and attack me after I left home in
order to make me give up the money. And they have finally succeeded to
do what they had wanted for such a long time. Closing the account.
On
that night, I couldn’t sleep until morning because of flaring anger. I
thought of leaving a note to my partner, jumping on the bullet train to
move 450 miles to my parents’ apartment, bursting into there with a
knife, stubbing and killing them, and then turning myself in to go to
the prison. That would settle my anger and I would no longer have to
worry about money for the rest of my life.
I had repressed that urge
so hard all night long and managed to make it to the breakfast table. My
partner suggested that I should call my parents to clear the situation.
I didn’t like the idea. There was no point of talking to them since I
had known their intention so well. Besides, if I had called them, my
anger would have erupted and I would have spewed out cursed words along
with fierce threats. And as my sister has been doing, I would have kept
yelling, “Go to hell! Die right now!”
I called them after all not to
curse them though, but to squeeze some money from them anyhow. I had
turned into a devil all the same. I was holding my phone with a hand
that was trembling with anger. My mother answered.
She sounded weak
and old as if a snake’s slough or a mere shadow had been talking. The
minute I heard that voice, my about-to-explode anger subsided for some
reason. Then oddly, I felt pity for her and even fond of her. I also
exchanged greetings and made small talk with my father. We didn’t bring
up even a single word about money. Instead, we talked rather friendly
and considerately as if a source of hatred ran out. And I hung up by
saying “Good-bye,” that was really meant this time.
We had had
hostile relations with each other and quarreled for decades. The only
connection between us had been my grandfather’s money. Now that it was
cut, our ties disappeared likewise. Only what my parents had done to me
remained. After all those years, they never loved me to the end. I had
longed to be loved by them, which was never realized. Our relationship
had been long ruined and now our problems that were the only things we
had shared were gone too. Everything was over and we have become
strangers.
I felt lonely because I would never see them again. On the
other hand, I was released from unquenchable anger that had dwelt in me
for an eternity. Then I couldn’t sleep that night again from anxiety
about how to pay living expenses from now on.
Next day my partner and
I went to Coco’s for which we had mobile coupons. The coupons had been
received for free desserts on our birthdays that were long passed. As
they had remained unused, we ordered a free dessert for each of us
there.
A big plate was placed before each of us, on which were a
small piece of chocolate cake, small macaroons and ice cream. It was a
small portion for the huge plate so that the most part of the plate was
empty as if the blank space had been a main purpose of it. On the blank
space, there was a message written by big letters of stenciled chocolate
powder, which said, ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY’. The server said in a loud voice
that could be heard throughout the restaurant, “Congratulations! Happy
Birthday!” and left our table. My partner and I stared fixedly at the
letters on the big plate and then at each other.
I had surely thought
my life was finished, but I could be reborn into a new life in a way.
That thought gave me a little relief. And a sense of freedom as well.
Monday, August 23, 2021
Closure and Rebirth hr645
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