Friday, February 21, 2014
Hidemi’s Rambling No.506
After two and a half years of training and backstage work in the drama
club at junior high, I was close to getting a role in a school play.
Casting was done strictly by seniority, not by acting skill. A leading
role automatically went to the club captain and the higher grade at
school a member was in, the better role she got. The club was a joint
activity of the high school and the junior high. I was already in the
ninth grade and many senior members at high school either graduated or
quit. As a result, I rose to a candidate for the last bit part that had
only two lines. The part was normally to go to Miss Fujiwara who was a
freshman at high school and so one year senior to me. But since she
joined the club at the same time as I did and our careers were equal,
the bit part came down to either her, or me. It was put to a vote.
Everyone knew my acting skill was much better than hers, and the choice
was actually between seniority and skill. All members including she and I
sat with a face hiding in the arms on the desk and eyes closed. The
club captain stood in front of the blackboard on which our names were
written. When she read out a name, we raised a hand for the name of our
choice, and she counted the vote. Although I craved the role, I raised
my hand when Miss Fujiwara’s name was called out for two reasons. While
we wouldn’t know who voted whom, the club captain would know. I wanted
her to recognize how much I respected seniority and I was thus a good
member. And also, I had a trauma that my mother never allowed to vote
someone else but myself and people laughed at me when I got one vote by
myself in every election at elementary school. The result was exactly
tied. The captain declared the second vote, which meant the part would
be mine if I voted for myself this time. Switching a vote seemed so
shameless, though. I had never been in a tight corner like that. I
raised my trembling hand for Miss Fujiwara. I heard one of the names
being erased on the blackboard and when I opened my eyes, I saw my name
gone. Miss Fujiwara got the role. Right away, an enormous feeling of
regret came over me. I went home shivering, realizing I had made a huge,
irretrievable mistake. And it really was. From then on, she was
acknowledged officially senior to me and I was always left one step
behind her. One year after that, she got a leading role and I was her
sidekick. Two years later, she became a club captain. If I had voted for
myself, I would have been a captain. Instead, I quit. I couldn’t stand
to be a sidekick of her bad acting and her way of managing the club. I
didn’t quit for any hardship all those years, but I did for my mistake
that still makes my heart throb today…