When I was in kindergarten, I was always pushed away and ignored by my fellow kindergartners.
I
played the bells wearing a headpiece of a dove on stage alongside other
kindergartners at an annual presentation before the parents. I was told
to stand at the edge of the stage close to the wings. As we were
playing, the kids next to me continued to thrust me into the wings. I
tried to fight the way back onto the stage as it had looked more and
more that I didn’t participate the performance. No matter how hard I
tried, they kept pushing me aside and the best I could do was to poke
half of my face out of the wings.
It was the time of an Apollo-frenzy
and the kindergarten held an exhibit of miniature rockets made by the
children for the parents. The rockets were to be made out of empty soft
drink bottles. Since the plan of the exhibit was introduced, I had
diligently collected empty bottles. By the time the miniature rocket
began to be built, I collected and brought the highest number of bottles
to the class. But once we started making, the kids wouldn’t use my
bottles. Although all of us brought similar bottles in the same shape
and size, they were carefully excluding the ones I brought as their
materials. Every time I glued one of mine to the rocket, some kid
removed it. I glued, they removed. The rocket had gotten bigger only
with other kids’ bottles as we repeated the glue-remove maneuver
persistently. Finally other kids’ patience to keep removing my bottle
ran out and they started throwing it away out of the window. I went
outside to pick it up and as soon as I came back, another bottle of mine
was thrown out. Now a new routine had been established. They threw out,
I picked in. The rocket completed without one single bottle of mine. I
brought home all the bottles intact and told my parents that those were
surplus. My mother came to the exhibit and saw the rocket that I didn’t
participate to make, but with my name among the builder’s list.
Come
to think of it, those kindergarten days precisely represent my whole
life. As a singer-songwriter, I have been pushed away and ignored in
music circles. Nobody has noticed nor recognized me as if I were an
invisible person. I had dreamed that my songs would be in the charts and
I would become a celebrity. I would be on ‘Tonight Show’ as a guest and
talk with the host. I would be loved by people and be on the top of the
world. I had prepared for that day for a long time. I had been dieting
and exercising. I had been nice to people and talking to them to improve
social skills. I had fervently craved fame. Meanwhile though, the songs
that I completed with all my effort and strength by sacrificing
everything else had never been appreciated. I think it’s time to accept
the reality. It’s about time to abandon confidence and expectation for
this world and to admit that I had overestimated the world.
Since the
end of the last year, strange things have happened to me as if some
messages had been being sent. I had vaguely received and interpreted
them. Then I came across one movie that defined the message and made me
wide awake. I hadn’t been able to shake off the idea that I had been
locked up in a prison or an institution since I was little. And I was
right. I realized this world’s true self. Now I have, at long last,
found the way to get out of it.
I can’t wake up in the morning. I
can’t get along with others. I can’t do what I don’t like. I can’t
notice transparent glass so that I bang into it. I can’t get a driver’s
license. I can’t perceive people’s feelings. But everything is all right
from now on. I am happy to be pushed away from the world because I am
no longer part of it. By willingly stopping being part of it, I got out of
this world and attained freedom. It’s so funny I had desperately tried
all my life to belong to this society that I had known is crazy since my
childhood. I will live as myself without conforming to the craziness. I
will not care about this society’s value now that I’m out of it.
Instead, I evaluate solely by my own value. I judge what is good. I
decide what is successful. I’ve never felt free this much in my entire
life. All of a sudden, everything reversed and people look locked up
while I was released. Outside, my life itself is art because it exists
to create music. My songs are supreme pieces and that means I’m totally
successful. I’ve become a true artist standing center stage in a
spotlight.
Friday, December 6, 2019
The Positive Generated by the Negative hr625
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