That casino was old and forlorn. Inside, it had the outdated concert
hall where gaudy revues and magic shows used to be abundant. Since the
casino lost its popularity and customers, the hall had been used as a
makeshift break area. Those who used up money for gambling and no longer
had anything to do sat there sparsely with vacant eyes, producing a
wretched atmosphere that perfectly matched the whole casino. My partner,
my mother and I was resting there after we lost most money. As it was
too gloomy to be sitting in the break area, my partner suggested that we
should use up the scarce rest of our money and leave the casino.
Each of us sat in front of our favorite slot machine. On the screen
of my slot, I came close to win with two matched pictures but the third
one didn’t come up in every turn. My mother and I quickly ran out of
money. Further down the floor, I saw my partner still playing. I left
him there and went back to our hotel with my mother.
It was the last day of our stay and I started packing for checkout.
The hotel looked out on the waterway that connected the hotel and the
casino. For a brief break from packing, I went out on the balcony of our
room and watched the waterway. Then I noticed something gigantic
floating far up the waterway. It was slowly flowing toward the hotel.
The closer it got, the more monstrous it became. It approached near
enough to tell what it was.
A tall, triangular-shaped white condominium was carried on a massive
barge. Tied behind it was a white enormous sailing ship. They were
carried carefully from the direction where the casino located.
Considering where it came from and how unusual they were to be carried
along the waterway, I assumed that they were some prizes of the casino. I
called my mother to the balcony and we wondered what kind of person had
extremely good fortune like this.
The barge and the ship stopped in front of the hotel, right under our
balcony. There was the third boat tied behind the ship. A man was
sitting in it almost buried in numerous boxes and bags. It meant he was
the winner. I gazed at the man with the biggest possible amount of envy.
And I gasped. The man who won all of those was no other than my
partner! I couldn’t shout, couldn’t scream but was just speechless. I
saw my partner getting off the boat and being welcomed by the hotel
staff. He gave them some instructions and they hurriedly moved around.
Soon, there was a knock on the door of our room. The bellboys brought
countless boxes of shoes and bags of brand clothes into our room.
Finally my partner came in. He said calmly, “It’s time for checkout.” I
told him that I hadn’t finished packing and he said, “It’s all taken
care of. I hired people to do the rest. We can just leave.”
We stepped out of the hotel. In front of my eyes, the white
condominium gleamed under the bright sunshine. The white sailing ship
gently swayed with its sails furled. I asked myself repeatedly, “Can
anything like this actually happen?”. My mother said, “I’ve always
wanted a condominium like this!” and got onboard the barge. My partner
returned onto the boat. I was excited enough to jump in the water and
floated by a swim ring that was connected to the boat. The fleet began
to move again and we were heading home.
While we were slowly moving down the waterway, I saw some parade
floats in the water ahead of us. The area was a popular resort
destination and the waterway threaded through many hotels. The parade
seemed one of the events held in the area. Seeing the floats far ahead
and the big condominium and the sailing ship before me, I asked my
partner, “This is a dream, isn’t it?” He had been expressionless up
until this point but smiled for the first time since he won. “Why? Are
you that happy?”, he asked me back. I usually dream a lot. Sometimes I
dream a very good one and feel ecstatic in it. But in those cases,
waking up is excruciatingly painful. Dreadful disappointment crushes me.
I’ve had those experiences more than too much and want no more. I would
do anything to avoid it. If this is also a dream, I have to wake up now
before euphoria gets inside me. Otherwise, I couldn’t bear a
disappointment of this magnitude.
I was sad that everything I had gotten would disappear when I woke
up. This was undoubtedly the best and the most vivid dream I’ve ever
had. But I had to know whether this was reality or not at this point in
order to minimize disappointment. I looked at the clear blue surface of
the waterway on which I was floating. It was sparkling in the sunlight. I
hit the surface and made it splash. Sprays of water showered on my
face. It was cold and refreshing. I slapped my wet cheeks with my both
hand. It hurt. Still, everything stayed as it was. I slapped my face
over and over, hearing the sound of slapping and splashing water and my
partner’s laughter. The condominium and the sailboat were still there. I
felt gentle breeze and drips of water streaming down my face. I looked
up the bright blue sky and got the dazzling sunshine over my face. I
didn’t wake up. This was all real!
Now that I was convinced this wasn’t a dream, I was able to take it
in. Indescribable happiness seized me. It almost choked me and I panted
for breath. I felt my lungs were pressed with happiness and heated like
coals. I’ve never been this happy in my entire life. I became a
billionaire. My life got redeemed. I was finally getting out of a prison
and living in a place where I should be. I was filled with a sense of
relief, peace, and freedom. I felt a lump in my throat. It was as if the
heated coals in my chest reached the boiling point and were about to
explode. Tears appeared in the bottom of my eyes. They began to liquefy
my sight. I blinked to shed tears. I felt tears rolling down my cheeks. I
opened my eyes again. Then - much to my horrible surprise - the sight
remained black. I blinked again and fixed my eyes on the darkness. It
was the ceiling above the bed of my room.
It was completely beyond belief. Although I made sure so many times,
all what happened was a dream. I was simply lying on my bed with tears
streaming down my face. The sensation I had felt was so real that I even
suspected this awakening was a dream. I sat up on the bed, bewildering.
Everything was gone along with happiness. I was dazed for a while
without moving. I uttered several times, “Can’t be a dream.” because it
was too real to be a dream. I made a mistake again that I’ve tried to
avoid all the time. This time, the mistake was huge. The dream was too
good, too vivid, and too happy. Accordingly, disappointment was
severely grave.
I felt the massive disappointment was trying to squash me. I couldn’t
get up. I kept sitting on the bed, and started weeping...
When I lived in California, the apartment I rented had an
outside Jacuzzi. I liked taking it at night, seeing the sky above.
Under the palm trees, I watched an airplane’s small dot of light
blinking and moving through the stars. It was the moment that I felt
like a winner who obtained a life in paradise by getting out of not only
Japan but also my family to which I had been a bound successor. Prices
in the U.S. were extremely low compared to Japan back then because of
the strong yen. It seemed to me that everything was on sale and I
literally lived in a bargain country. Sadly, my life in paradise didn’t
last long, though. The Japanese economy crashed and yen turned weak.
Inflation had edged up in the States as well. Price hikes assaulted me
in all directions. I became unable to pay the rent even if I had moved
into a cheap motel. I was practically kicked out of the States and the
plane brought bitterly-discouraged myself back to Japan where I returned
to a life of reality in a teeny-tiny apartment. Time went by, and I had
benefited from technological advances like the Internet and computers,
and also from the fall of housing value in Japan. Those benefits let me
live in a condominium that has a communal spa. I take a Jacuzzi there
watching a beautiful view of the mountains with lingering snow out of
big windows. One day, I felt so euphoric that I thought this wasn’t
real. I thought I may have already died from that northern Japan’s
severe earthquake or from the subsequent meltdown of the nuclear plant,
and must be in heaven now. That reminded me of the sensation I had felt
in a Jacuzzi in California. I had never expected that I would experience
an equally enraptured life here in Japan when I parted with it there.
If I traveled back in time with a time machine, I could talk to my other
self who was in despair on the flight to Japan from the States. I would
say to her, “Years from now, you will get another chance to live in
paradise!” I would tell her that she wouldn’t give up music and would
have completed two songs back in Japan that had quality she had been
craved for and entirely satisfied with. How easier the flight would’ve
been if I had heard those words there. I was too hopeless to imagine so
much as a speck of the possibility. I always find myself foolish in
hindsight whenever I look back later. There are tons of things I have to
say to my past self beforehand. The question is, what would my future
self tell me now if she looked at me taking the Jacuzzi here. Would she
say, “Embrace the moment. It’s the pinnacle of your life”? Or would she
say, “Prepare yourself. It’s just the beginning”? I desperately hope for
the latter…
